Reminisce of The First Love

Attending my friend wedding in Seremban, just back from rushing thru rainy Gombak and an accident near R&R Temerloh. stuck for both occasions for more than 2 hours.

Attending my friend wedding reminds me of my first love and failed relationship that followed through after that.

I truly fell in love with this quite pious girl after few crushes to other girl during secondary school. she was cheeky yet humble and carry herself with grace. she was not the most beautiful thing i ever saw but she was a friendly persona.

I on the other hand was anti-social, no confidence, overweight and overly caring. well, i'm kinda a late bloomer so to speak.

The relationship wasn't as what i experienced after that. we never date, we never holding hand (still never holding hand) and never really talk to each other due to my nervousness to talk to her (still have darah gemuruh to talk to any woman even now). But weirdly, the relationship remains intact for quite a while. after one incident, i just gone quietly from her life. rather cruel but confrontation wasn't my strong point then.

From what i could conclude, i should change myself to be more likeable. I begin to mix around a little, having more courage to talk to other people, and still overweight. however, as i went further in few relationship afterward, i realize that i become more social, more courageous, still overweight but i'm losing my faith in women.

I used to be the kind who deeply cared about others to a point whereby i couldn't sleep thinking about other people problem. friends and loved one. right now, I could tell loved one that i trust her but i dunno whether i really trust her or i don't bother to worry bout her. i said to her the first but in my mind thinking about the later.

After the first love, i realize that honesty just don't paid off. Telling what you honestly feel don't work too well with people. Hence now, i lie a lot. when i said alot, i mean alot. not big stuff or life changing stuff but yeah, things could be worse with my honesty on the line.

Also, i realize that i no longer could fall in love as I want to be. I think when i couldn't worry about others (hence care bout them) and couldn't be honest as i wish, it's hard to really love someone after half-dozen failure in my list. Through every failure, i learn that it's not worth it to spend all your heart to one source. Though with each failure, pieces of my heart never gone back. Taken away from me by those failed love.

I been on love hiatus for a while, thinking bout what happen to me and love?

I think i already figure it out. And it wasn't a pleasant answer for somebody.

I just couldn't bother to love anyone. Did i try to change? Yes i did but i'm high sedated by love failure. I'm a highly sensitive person though i might not look like one. Right now, those sensitivity just didn't work anymore. I just couldn't be bother.

Sorry.