Inconsistent Me

Hello all....

another new entry...enjoy!!!

Yesterday, I been chatting with someone I really hate. For god sake, I really hate her. Yet, through the conversation something really triggers me to chat longer with her. Maybe the anime or j-things (Japanese things) that trigger me but at that moment, I can feel that she actually soften up her heart to talk to me. And seriously, I’m really moved.

It’s a whole new side of her that I never discovered before. And yes, I can be really stubborn person when dealing with something I really hate. In some way, the way she tackled the conversation really impressive. And then, she asking me to reply something in one forum, then she does comment on my post.

Suddenly, I feel a bit angry but for the sake of controlling myself from bursting out, I control my anger. Without I’m asking, she tells me that I need to be more firm on my stand. She really hates me who exposed my weakness. She said, even you’re the youngest among us, it’s not an excuse for being bullied by others. Show that you have pride and do fight when you feel that you’re on the right side.

Then, she’s gone. End of chat. Something really trigger my mind is I’m also confused with myself sometimes. Yurp, really confused cause I can never sees same thing in same perspective when I’m looking at it for the second time. Same to my confidence, reaction to one incident, decision making….it’s all depending on my mood. Sometimes, I can be so optimist, sometimes I can be the most pessimist person on earth.

One of my friend asking, why you’re just too inconsistent. I said to him, I even dunno myself. It’s just one thing I can’t comprehend about myself. I think, I really live by instinct. If I really want to do something with all my heart on those things, nothing can’t stop me. If I think of reconsidering that, I most probably do ad hoc decision which can leave everybody in awe because they never taught the stupidity of mine who can make such bad decision.

So, all my friend…if you incase meet me doing something that I said I will never ever done, just take it as it’s pure me. I’m super inconsistent. I must live this way because in my mind, I just love to make things that I not supposed to do. Sometimes, I do lie, and it’s not a problem….cause naturally, I can lie without being detected. It’s not that I really good at lie, it’s just at that moment, that’s what in my mind….I’m not lying to you, but after 2 or 3 seconds, I do change my mind. So, I consider myself lying.

So, can you get the idea how inconsistent I’m? Really, I’m not asking for this, cause who loves to be accused as a liar. Never do I, but I will always to keep my promise, even I feel like want to puke all the lying to you, sometimes, I just can’t just because I feel that I should take care somebody’s heart. Sometimes, I can be so straight forward and said whatever in my mind. But I learn something, always someone will hurt and I don’t want that happened.

Forgive me for who I’m. I know it’s a bit hard to accept me. Maybe someday, I will try change myself. To be a more consistent person……Amen.

Foonote: It's hard to admit this but i know someday i need to tell somebody. maybe now is the most suitable time for me....please don't hate me for who I'm. please......